LeBron James: The Man Who Would Dunk on Dubya
[Note: please post suggestions of who LeBron James of who he should dunk on next]
It’s rare when athletes respond to a dreary, clichéd question with a stimulating answer. Thank you LeBron James. Maxim magazine wanted to know who basketball’s King would most like to dunk on. The reigning NBA MVP didn’t name the towering Yao Ming or the “Bird Man” Chris Anderson. Instead he said, "If it doesn't have to be a basketball player, George W. Bush. I would dunk on his ass, break the rim, and shatter the glass.” Damn.
LeBron, the most dynamically violent dunker since Dominique Wilkins, is going out of his way to show that he has a political ax to grind with the man who spearheaded both a war based on lies and the near collapse of our economy. James is clearly choosing to not go the way of his hero Michael Jordan who famously wouldn’t stand up to Sen. Jesse Helms in 1990 because “Republicans buy sneakers too.”
My one issue is his choice. Today George W. Bush is a remarkably feeble figure on the American scene. He is even speaking at dreadful, cringe-worthy October 26th “business seminar” in Ft. Worth, Texas called “Get Motivated!” Other speakers include former NFL quarterback Terry Bradshaw, and “America's #1 Motivator Zig Ziglar!” But the headliner at this craptastic event will be the 43rd President. Going to George W. Bush for business motivation is like asking Jon and Kate how to raise your kids.
Clearly, LeBron needs to seek a better class of villain for his dunking displays. Unfortunately, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and the usual braying barnyard of bigots are just too obvious, and frankly their act is getting stale.
Maybe King James should instead start with some of the worst people in the world of sports. After all, there is a reason that Rush Limbaugh felt like he would blend right in to the ownership fraternity. How sweet it would be to see LeBron bring down the hammer on the heads of the following folk:
1 – Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. His new 1.15 billion dollar stadium in Arlington comes complete with cage-dancing cheerleaders, the widest flat screen television in the world, and special “party pass” tickets so people can stand outside the stadium and watch the game through osmosis. Jones took $350 million of public money to build Cowboy stadium in a state where almost 1 in 4 children live in poverty. Even worse, Jones believes that just because he knows how fleece the locals, he also possesses the know-how to draft players, hire coaches, and play General Manager. Keep in mind that the last quarterback to win a playoff game for Jerry Jones was Troy Aikman in 1996. Jones needs to get dunked on now.
2 – Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder: In the name of all that’s good and holy, we need to petition the federal government to declare eminent domain and take this team out of Daniel Snyder’s hands. We would have one helluva case. There are the off-field reasons a-plenty. This off-season, came the news that Snyder is suing season ticket holders who couldn’t make payments on their season tickets. There is no other franchise that takes this extraordinary step. They are suing people like 73 year old grandmother Pat Hill, a life long Redskins fans, who because of the recession couldn’t keep up with her payments. Hill had been a season ticket holder since 1962 when her daughter danced during the halftime shows. She couldn’t afford attorneys to ward off the team and had to declare bankruptcy. "It really breaks my heart," Hill said to the Washington Post, through a mess of tears. "I don't even believe in bankruptcy. We are supposed to pay our bills. I ain't trying to get out of anything." Dan Snyder: the scourge of grandmothers everywhere. Then there is the team he has assembled on the field which is 2-4 despite playing winless teams every single week of the season. The only offense they’ve displayed is their team name.
3 –Judge Keith Bardwell: This isn’t someone from the world of sports, but the justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, Louisiana needs to be served some King James medicine. Bardwell is the Jim Crow Judge who made national headlines by refusing to marry an interracial couple "I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else." LeBron: please dunk on this guy’s head and send him back to the confederacy.
4 - But maybe the most obvious choice of all is the guy overseeing two wars in 2009; the guy who won't fight for a health care public option or broader union protections; the guy dragging his feet on LGBT rights; the guy who also happens to play hoops. Watch out Mr. President: here comes the King.
These are my four. If you have your own choices, please mark them down and I will send suggestions to LeBron’s people about who really deserves some King James Justice. After all, George W. Bush is simply yesterday’s news.
[Dave Zirin is the author of “A People’s History of Sports in the United States” (The New Press) Receive his column every week by emailing dave@edgeofsports.com. Contact him at edgeofsports@gmail.com.]
24 Reader Comments | Add a comment
A baller of LBJ stature can slam on a whole team. Slam on those BCS pimps for crowning champions who don't win tournaments. Have John Swofford and Jim Delany in the lane with (ND) Rev. Jenkins under the basket.
Hi Dave.
I've been reading your work for several years now, yet not felt compelled to reply to you directly until today. I appreciate tremendously the niche you've carved for yourself. The world of big-market sports is a wasteland for social consciousness despite it's starring role as microcosm of all our ills and glory; your voice and reach mercifully hint at a break in this sad pattern. That said, I hardly agree with your every take & today is an example. I'm worried about your dismissal of GWB criticism as passe, and the trend it belies.
Calling Bush "yesterday's news" downplays both the height of his offences while in office and the pernicious after-effects we experience now and will continue to suffer well into the future. He's a criminal. He was our head of state, our criminal. If ever we're to resuscitate our civic integrity we need to purge ourselves of past failures. Sunshine need illuminate those dark years and all their seamy nuances. For this to happen, we must encourage, not squelch, all forms of criticism. Props to LBJ for his chosen target. Let the Obama Justice Department show such discretion.
Thanks Dave. Keep up the good work.
has lebron dunked on nike yet? if not, then he could start there.
Obama, hands down. Anger at GWB is cop-out. Obama is continuing his policies in spades, as you suggest.
Being Canadian I would love to see the King bring the noise right on Conservative PM Stephen Harper's head during halftime at a Raptors game. Unfortunately, Harper probably would never take his pasty ass to a hoops game so instead I will settle for Michael Steele or Sarah Palin.
texas governor rick perry.
Henry Kissinger.
I have a suggestion...
Arnold Schwarzenegger!!!!!!!!
As governor, he has run California into the ground with, amongst other things, his misguided policies at the expense of working people across the state. CA is in far worse shape now than it was during the recall election which catapulted him into office originally.
Dunk on the balloon boy media for its non-breaking news reporting and anti-climatic pieces...
Some great suggestions here. I tend to side with Tina. Maybe it's because we're fighting against paying for a stadium for the Vikings here in MN & now Der Governor/Terminator has signed a bill authorizing state money for a 75,000+ capacity stadium for Los Angeles. I don't think he's planning on bringing the Rams back.
Good article Dave, & I've sent it on to others.
Dunking on Michael Steele is too easy. I say we let Dale Earnhardt put the pedal to to the metal and run over his a$$!
Urkel
i would love to see lebron dunk on pittsburgh's kid mayor luke ravenstahl when he comes to town this year. his actions, play calling during the g20 were a disgrace to all!
I'd like to see LBJ dunk on Kanye West just so I can see him cry....
But if I had to choose...LBJ dunks on MJ
Dunking on G.W. Bush is a cop-out. Bush bashing is socially acceptable. King James ain't breaking boundaries with this one.
If Lebron is serious about making himself a global icon, he needs to think beyond the borders. 4 political figures to dunk on from overseas:
1. Alvaro Uribe: Other Latin American countries besides Argentina and Brazil could use the exposure to basketball. Uribe, president of Colombia, is small in stature, but large in fascist/oligarchic beliefs (his political career was financed by his daddy's drug money). He would be a good warmup for Lebron on his global dunking tour.
2. Roberto Michiletti: While in Latin America, Lebron could take a stronger stance than his government in standing in solidarity with the Honduran people against the illegitimate coup regime now in power. First step, dunking on the country's coup-monger number 1.
3. Silvio Berlusconi: Lebron might lure this Italian fascist to get dunked on by throwing a party filled with prostitutes and 16 year old single girls.
4. Queen Elizabeth: The King dunking on the Queen.
Lebron absolutely dunks on Bennie Hinn with a huge Ascension Dunk
How about "King James" does more than just proverbially dunk on somebody. How about he actually takes a stand and calls out his sponsor, Nike, on their UNFAIR TRADE practices. How about he addresses the fact that young kids in Akron, OH who can hardly afford to be eat three square meals a day are scammed into paying $150 on the latest King James Nikes... shoes sewn together by even younger, and more underfed children. How about we stop taling about who King James should dunk on and ask him to simply stand up and do something about a problem he is---instead---perpetuating.
Although there are plenty of union busters, bankers and grand wizards in the great Buckeye State who are worthy of a great and violent dunking on, I would like to see Lebron dunk on David Stern. How sweet thy sound.
Straight outta high school with shorts below the knee. Welcome to Akron, scumbag!
Why not take on high school point guard Sarah "Barracuda" Palin?
LBJ needs to deliver a double facial to the two biggest a-holes on the face of the planet -
Rupert Murdock and Sumner Redstone. Either one of these jerks are responsible for ruining broadcast sports and news. Better yet, make King James the chair of the FCC and shut down these two old fools ASAP.
Dunk on Nike, then crackback Hank Paulson before crosschecking Tim Geithner into the boards! And maybe brush back Obama with a high, tight fastball... And go ahead and clip Lieberman.
Dunk on Rahmbo Emanuel!
He's nothing but a short, angry, big mouth, bullying Blue Dog DINO-Fascist, and the latest installment of a White House puppet master (formerly held by dick Cheney, and I do mean dick), beholden to the upper 1% plutocracy and big business instead of to WE THE PEOPLE.
He screwed Howard Dean (who was primarily responsible for winning the majority in Congress and for winning the White House) out of a job, and screwed WE THE PEOPLE out of our right to vote in primaries by forcing out potential Democratic candidates.
LeBron, don't forget to stomp on his big, fat ego inflated head on the way back down from your "most dynamically violent dunk"!
LeBron should dunk on Dave Zirin for writing this column. Don't get me wrong - I cherish Dave's work - but LeBron reflects the unbridled capitalism that Bush shoved down our throats. King James' response is a very childish form of political discourse.
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Dave Zirin is the author of the book: "Welcome to the Terrordome: The Pain, Politics and Promise of Sports" (Haymarket). You can receive his column Edge of Sports, every week by going to dave@edgeofsports.com.
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