The Wizards to Undergo Radical Reconstruction

November 27, 2003
By: Dave Zirin

There is an old expression that in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. Well, starting next season, the Wizards are going to be the Great Cyclops dunking on Stevie Wonder. In 2004-2005, Les Boulez will be in the National Basketball Association's realigned Southeast division. Let's forget that DC is about as Southern as sauerkraut. Let's forget that you would sooner see Jesse Helms win an NAACP Image Award than Washingtonians claiming Dixie. We should be thanking NBA commish David Stern for small favors. The 'Zards will be in a division with the Atlanta Hawks, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, and the expansion Charlotte Bobcats. This year, Wizards fans certainly have something to be thankful for.
This will be basketball more ugly than Michael Jackson's mug shot. If this division existed today, our Harry Potters, with their 5-7 record would be in first place. Atlanta at 4-8, Miami at 3-9 and Orlando at 1-11, would trudge in their wake. What a bunch of NBA sad sacks. Atlanta's team draws fewer fans than Britney Spears in a burqa. The Miami Heat and Orlando Magic are proof that team names must always end in s and be actual objects, not abstract nouns. (What's next, the Denver Depression?) And Charlotte? All you need to know about them is their name, the Bobcats, is in self-adulatory honor of their billionaire owner Bob Johnson. Johnson, the founder of Black Entertainment Television, we must pray, will not start a trend. As much as I despise having a team in DC called the Redskins, the thought of rooting for the Washington Snyders is not only disturbing but also actually seems possible.
As pitiful as it is to be in a division where a sub-500 record could win the title, I think it is about time the DC Gandalfs got a little bit of good karma. This franchise has been cursed more than a Cub/Red Sox World Series played on a Native American Burial Ground. They have over the last five years traded four past or future all-starts who are at least 6 foot 9 inches: Rasheed Wallace, Chris Webber, Juwan Howard, and Ben Wallace. To show for it, they have Christian Laettner, who may not be an all-star but was once one of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People.
It was also rumored that for several years recently, Michael Jordan was connected to the club, but I am convinced that this is not the case. Considering that the Wizards haven't won a playoff series since they played with peach baskets, we should thank Stern for the small favor of letting us be the cleanest pair of socks in the drawer of the South Eastern Conference.
But there is more reason to rejoice in Middle Earth than the dream of sub-500 playoff glory. The Wizards, hold onto your cauldrons, are actually fun to watch. New coach Eddie Jordan has them moving without the ball. Their new point guard, Gilbert Arenas, who two short years ago was considered an undersized shooting guard, is a player. He drives to the hoop like Allen Iverson crossed with John Riggins. Dreadlocked Power Forward/Center Etan Thomas has been an Iron Lion from Zion off the bench. Thomas, who doubles as a poet with a social conscience, is officially a "fan favorite", our first in these parts since El Gigante himself, Gheorge Muresan. And even Kwame Brown, who I pray resists his destiny to be traded and become an all-star somewhere else, now plays like he isn't afraid Michael Jordan is waiting in the locker room to steal his milk money.
So bring on the South! It's only fitting that as the Wizards undergo a radical reconstruction, they get to be General Sherman.